


How the Spy Stole Christmas

by RNandSniper



Series: Intentionally Misfiled Reports [6]
Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (2015)
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Everybody is a Good Bro, F/M, First Time, Parody, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 10:54:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5372705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RNandSniper/pseuds/RNandSniper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twas the night after their latest mission, during the holidays.  And someone takes advantage of the time off.<br/>Or a terrible parody of Twas the Night Before Christmas that you wouldn't ask for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How the Spy Stole Christmas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rebelliousrose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelliousrose/gifts).



Twas after the latest job, back at our new home  
All three spies were relaxed, but each were alone.  
The weapons were oiled and trade tools tucked away  
For a break was in order to Illya’s dismay. 

Gaby was reading without her paramour,  
As the light splayed out the cracked open door.  
And below Peril slept, and I sipped my next drink,  
And the spirits of the season prodded me to think. 

Through one small speaker set up on the wall,  
Came the noise of Illya roaming the main hall.  
Not my concern why he cursed in his mother tongue,  
But I ran low on good scotch and the cold night was young.

The candles were lighting the fall of a rose  
Where dozens invited to a gift wrapped in bows.  
From my shock at the main floor’s new display,  
He stood with his unbuttoned black shirt, very risqué. 

With the scowl that speared me, it restored my wits,  
Peril softly set a record, a hit from the Blitz.  
Slowly though he lingered in front of the wine,  
And I came up beside to rescue him this time. 

"Cabernet! no, Chardonnay! now, Port and Shiraz!  
Or, Chianti! Or, Merlot! Yes a semi-sweet Riesling!  
To open in now! To let it breathe!  
Now set in on ice! You’re so naïve."

As the young and in love often foolishly do,  
When Peril took my advice his confidence grew.  
He took the bottle and gave me a quick smile,  
And placed it with care, on a table set with style. 

And then, a commotion, we heard from above  
Sent us to finish this expression of love.  
As I flicked off the last light, to dim the room,  
Illya pushed me to hide, my presence a certain doom. 

I could not help but watch as she came on the scene,  
Her old bath coat in place, she did stop to preen.  
At odds with her dress, her hair smooth and stylized.  
And the twist of her painted lips was not so surprised. 

The glisten in her eyes! how hesitation seem to melt!  
Her lithe hands so strong, pulled at her robe’s belt.  
Over soft skin and soft curves, it fell to the floor,  
And I wondered to myself, how to make for the door? 

Peril jerked with a start as if from deep sleep,  
He held out his hand; she left the stairs with a leap.  
He produced one orange bloom as if from his sleeve,  
And I closed my eyes to give them a slight reprieve. 

A twinkle of the glasses, and a warm hum of desire,  
Let me know that they had moved before the fire.  
And I smirked as I saw them, when I crossed to a stair,  
Illya broke his embrace to hand her a gift, me a glare. 

Not a word more I heard, as I crept back to my bed,  
But other noises did rise and made my cheeks red.  
Satisfaction filled me for a job well done,  
As it was no easy arrangement, no matter the fun. 

But despite the unexpected surprise the evening did brew,  
I found a portrait signed with a kiss, and tickets for two.  
And in a note Gaby’s hand, about the date meant for tonight,  
“Happy Christmas to us, and to us a good-night!”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed it, because there is not enough peppermint schnapps in the world to make poetry fun.  
> Now if I could only get Henry Cavill to narrate this....  
> The next true installment of the Intentionally Misfiled Reports will be up when I get it back from my beta, who inspired this parody when she wondered [sarcastically] how full of the holiday spirit and happy the next story would be. It's not.


End file.
